Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Keep A White Girl?

No matter how many times someone has said it to me, I still don't fully understand it. I've heard this from close friends to mere acquaintances. Family members and even co-workers. Maybe it's the way I dress, the way I talk or the female company I keep that is my best female FRIEND, who just so happens to be white herself and is also pictured with me as my Facebook and Twitter main picture. I don't know. It's a complete and total mystery to me and I honestly don't think I'll ever come to fathom this. I just want to know, how do I "look" like I date white women? Believe me, I've definitely asked and most of the time the answer boils down to: "you just look like you date white girls." Some have gone as far as saying "I could never see you being with a black woman." Some other answers I received went as follows:

"I wouldn't think that you specifically dated one race. I don't ever see you talk bad about black women."

"You seem like you're pretty open. A bit fickle, she'd have to be really smart tho. But u don't give 'whites only' vibes."

"It's obvious you won't put up with some of the crap most black girls are known for. Attitude and ignorance."

"You don't discriminate. You date who you're attracted to and who's available."

"I think you only date a certain type of woman who just happen to be primarily white. Chances are that the black women who have similar personalities, you're just not attracted to them."

Fair enough, but now you get the picture as to what I'm working with.

I'd like to break some news for those who think this: I have never, ever in my 25 years of living dated a white woman. Ever. As a matter of fact, two out of the four of my relationships were with black women. One for 4.5 years and the other for close to a year and those two relationships were the best I've had and I haven't come close to them since, and I've dated outside of my race after that. If you must know, the other two were Asian and Spanish respectively. Just not a white woman. I appreciate all races and backgrounds. I'm just a man who loves women. Period. If you're fine I'm gonna say you're fine and admire your beauty as a heterosexual man would. But I'm not going to sit her and go through reasons and keep beating a dead horse, so I'll move on.

Apparently, I'm not the only black male who has had this said to them. Some of my close friends, who are black have also encountered this. As a matter of fact when we go out, we're usually approached by women of other races and not so much black women, go figure. A fellow blogger and "tweeter", @WisdomIsMisery who also had this said to him before countless times and as a matter of fact we discussed this recently where a black woman approached him at a bar and mid-conversation told him he looks like he dates white women. Now, if you've ever had a conversation with me in real life or via public forum you'd come to the assumption that I am not the type of black male who...well, resembles that of Wakka Flocka or Gucci Mane. As a matter of fact I despise those cretins but I digress, this is about me. I wear H&M and American Rag. I don't own a pair of Jordans and never have. I don't like anything Tyler Perry. I listen to all kinds of music, with the exception of country and anything that has a stupid dance that you have to do it with. In a nutshell, I'm me. Just a big bag of pieces from different walks of life that make me into a whole.

I have "talked" to women outside of my race and in my race countless times, but once again reiterating no white women. I would also like to say I'm not above dating a white woman, because I would. I'm not here to debate against that. The real issue at hand is the notion that certain black men have a distinguished "look" about them as if they'd only date outside of their race as if a black woman isn't worthy of them. This is what I want those to understand and I'm going to speak on the behalf of all these black men who look like they wouldn't date a black woman: I have a certain "type" that isn't your stereotypical loud, crass, ghetto woman. I like to date women who have a good head on their shoulders, goal oriented and handle themselves with class. There are a plethora of black women who fit this description and I'm glad to say I am associated with a few of them so I know not all black women are loud and ghetto just like I'm sure you all know this as well. So when someone says "you look like you would date a white girl" I find it highly offensive because it's an insult not only to me, but to black women. It's almost as if you're saying we wouldn't date a black woman because they don't fit the description of having those attributes that I listed before. Now the type of "black woman" I wouldn't date is one that appears on Maury Povich 5 times looking for the father of her child. The type of "black woman" I wouldn't date is someone who sits at home collecting food stamps and unemployment instead of getting up and looking for a damn job or going to school. That's basically in a nutshell what you are saying when you say to a black male "you don't look like you would date a black woman." Now if I'm wrong, please state your case and correct me as to why some black men get this accusation. Don't get it twisted, I'm not upset by any means because I sorta see where the accusation comes from if we're looking at it from a stereotypical standpoint. But to use race as a means to state what type of women I'd date is ignorant and offensive to me and black women everywhere.


  1. First, I dont appreciate you blaiming me for you writing this blog. Second, you already know I know where you're coming from as I dedicated 3+ blogs to this very topic. However, unlike you I have dated white women (among other races). Still, I have BY FAR dated more black women than any other. Not that it seems to matter. Like you I'm attracted to attractive women, of all races.

    Why do people assume I "look like the type to date white women" I honestly don't know. As I told you before, maybe I should wear less Polos because as far as I can tell, that's the only distinguishing factor. *shrugs*

  2. LMAO my bad I had to use someone as the scapegoat \o/. But I agree, the only reasoning I could possibly think of is that I don't showcase that stereotypical thug mentality so therefore, I date the Betty Sues instead of the Aquanettas. Meh...

  3. It’s who you showcase and who you speak most positively of that leads people to that conclusion. With me, I’m considered a black man hater; but most, if not all, of the men that I’ve crushed hard over were all black. That’s up to last year when I finally gave up on my last crush. All of them are short, goofy looking black guys that would certainly put into question my taste in men.

    My point is that the assumptions revolve around the impressions we give others about what we like. The next question should be why do you think we give certain impressions of ourselves subconsciously even-though they may not be exactly correct? Is it protective measures? But what are we protecting ourselves from?

    Here I go typing up way too much again, rotf.. lol

  4. LOL and this is why I love you Sheena. I see it more so now after writing the blog as to WHY these assumptions come up so they make sense. They're just wrong lol hence them being mere assumptions.

    I should have featured it in the blog, but it's also my environment. The type of black woman that I am surrounded by doesn't match up with what I want in a woman. At first I figured people thought it was a physical thing so that's why I was upset, but now I see it was more of a personality thing which still upset me but it made more sense because in a way they're right but at the same time not right because it was an unfair assumption to make.

    And I took a page out of your book with that reply so I'm walking away to hit post comment now lol.

  5. I can understand why an ignorant person stuck on stereotypes and is close minded could possibly say that you seem like the type to date white women. A lot of people think that all black women are the type of woman that you are not attracted to, "I have a certain 'type' that isn't your stereotypical loud, crass, ghetto woman." It is assumed that white women are the "women who have a good head on their shoulders, goal oriented and handle themselves with class." which you know is plain ole ignorant. Its not a matter of you thinking youre not worthy of a black woman, its that they think that you think a black woman is not worthy of the quality of man that you are. People really need to let go of their bullshit stereotypes and assumptions because they really are making themselves look stupid...

  6. Hi!

    I told you my comment was coming, and I'm off work so here it is:

    I don't personally have an issue with you being confused as to why people think you exclusively date white women. My issue is with the comments others have made as to why they think that you do. The person who said "It's obvious you won't put up with some of the crap most black girls are known for. Attitude and ignorance." really struck a nerve with me. As a black woman, I find it ignorant that that person would say that, and has that view of black women. Since when are black women known for ignorance? All of my friends who are black women are educated and articulate independent women who work hard for everything we have. We are not on food stamps, hollering on 'The Maury Show.' We speak English the way it's supposed to be spoken. There are more black women in college than black men. So tell me again how we're ignorant? Of course there are people who are senseless, and have no class, but that crosses racial lines. Maybe there are less accomplished, and more ghetto black women where you live, but I won't accept that that is the norm.

    As far as the 'attitude' goes, yes some women have a nasty one, but that again crosses racial lines. The white woman with the bossy stuck up attitude is the 'bitch,' while the black woman is the 'hoodrat.' It's all the same thing. I could go into this black woman's attitude further, but this is not my blog so I will keep it moving.

    Lastly, I'm not trying to offend you, but if a black woman looks at you and says "You look like you date white girls." they don't mean it in a positive way. They don't mean it like 'you look like you have high standards, and black women are beneath you,' they mean you look like you can't handle a black woman. They mean you don't look like you'd put in the work to date one. They're going off of the stereotype that white women are more docile and take more BS. When I hear a friend of mine say a black man dates exclusively white women, they say it with disdain, like he's a cornball, he doesn't have enough 'swag' for me. I don't share those views, I'm just letting you know. It's not about the music you listen to, or how you choose to dress, because like you said there are black women who share those same interests, and I know more black women repulsed by Gucci Mane then turned on. People commenting on this blog have said things to the effect of 'How dare they stereotype you?' But look at the stereotype they are giving black women.

  7. I like old white men.

  8. I meant to comment on this the other day and completely forgot. Better late than never.

    First, that convo on twitter was hilarious. Second, I have dated a white girl...yet I've never been told that I look like I date white girls. I'm not really sure how to feel about that now. I think I confuse em bc I rock the Jordans WITH a polo. I try to fit all stereotypes that dont involve jail or baby mamas...essentially all things T.I. It works for me.

    Seriously tho, I agree with Sydney that the remark isnt positive. Personally, I believe a lot of the negative remarks said along that vein speak more to the person making the remark than to the person the remark is supposedly addressing.

    Also, I think sometimes black people forget that they're a MINORITY. Yes we all have educated black friends. We'd be fooling ourselves to attempt to claim that isnt the exception to the rule. Its more than likely people of other races dont come across but a few black people, in their daily lives, and I'd be willing to bet that, more often than not, its teenagers. Assuming thats the case, is it so hard to believe why some folks would tend to think a lot of us are ignorant? Not saying its fair...but thats just the reality of it. Add how we present ourselves on TV & the music we listen to...we can easily come off as some ignant mu'fuckas.

  9. To Sydney/and1grad:

    Thanks for your replies first of all I really appreciated the feedback. I'm going to try and address everything in it as best and as clearly as I can in one go since the both of you pretty much addressed the same thing. There will be a second reply that is more so towards Sydney though. As far as the comment you addressed I agree as well on that, but I must admit you can't help but understand where they were coming from in that statement as there are black women who indeed do "fit" that stereotype. As ignorant as it was, I do see their point and they did hit it on the head as to "how I do come off as the type to not deal with attitude and ignorance" because it's true. I'm very laid back and chill about mine, but I will never date someone who is loud and crass just for the simple notion to be heard. Also known as any cast member of the Bad Girls Club to use as an example. Now to associate those qualities with strictly black women was out of line because any woman can have those qualities and I share your sentiments in the ignorance of it.

    I also have black female friends who are attractive as well as intelligent. I enjoy their company as they do mine and we get along great. I've grown up with these women from grade school so I have dealt with them. Unfortunately the beautiful and educated black woman does not run rampant in my location, despite this I do know they exist and have met enough to know that I do not follow the stereotype that all black women are just loud and boisterous. As I stated before, two of my most successful relationships, despite them coming to an end, were with black women. We still keep in touch every so often and even hang out whenever one of us is in the other's city. So it's not like I'd never date a black woman, it's just the "type" of black woman that say this to me is what irks me. Now to shift to the last paragraph that you touched on Sydney, which is something I took offense to. Not to you, but as to what you said so understand this isn't an attack at you, but an attack to those black women who would perceive me as such.

  10. Sydney,

    I already knew that whenever I heard the statement "you look like you date white girls" come from someone, especially a black woman it was an insult to me personally. And that's where I take offense and get annoyed because honestly it makes it seem like I'm weak and easy to walk over which is most certainly not the case and you can ask any one of my exes and women I've dated about that who all have plenty of attitude. I'm fair about mine, but I will never lay down for anyone without getting my two cents in and respect. The type of black women that have said this to me are those mentioned in my first paragraph as being loud and ignorant, your stereotypical ghetto black woman. I'm not going to hold back in saying I could really give two shits and the used toilet paper as to what THAT type of woman has to say about me because her statement in itself is ignorant and I wouldn't want to "handle" a woman like her in the first place off the strength of an ignorant statement such as that. That's the gripe that educated and moderately good looking black men such as myself have to deal with from a black woman the majority of the time when we hear this. Why are we percieved as cornballs? Why am I not good enough for YOU? How do I come off as I wouldn't want to "work" aka put up with your bullshit because I'd rather not put up with your level of maturity, or lack there of? If I could choose, I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to settle down with a black woman just as long as we are compatiable. But if my "swag" attracts other races for whatever reason other than a black woman then the odds are against me and more than likely I will end up with someone outside of my race as long as I'm percieved as a "cornball not worthy of a black woman's personality". I see that as a personal problem and quite frankly a self-esteem problem with them in not being able to handle a man like myself, but I'm still not kosher with the fact that some of my own female race depicts me as such.

    To finish off, I understand most of my speech is geared towards the appreciation of other races more so than black women with my peers as well as on social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook so that plays a part in it as well. The majority if not all of it is out of humor. But people also need to see that the reason why I do this is because of my environment as well as what is shown in the media. Not many black women get that shine that a latina or white woman get. I mean I'll keep it real, I've flirted with you numerous times Sydney lol and believe me it's not out of sport for the most part, it's because I do indeed find you attractive and an inteligent black woman. If that wasn't true, then I wouldn't be having any type of conversation with you in the first place. It's all about preference at the end of it all, I just don't enjoy being percieved as a black man who wouldn't dare date a black woman or have my peers be in shock and awe as if I was ever to date a black woman again. I guess I can't really help that though now can I lol.