Monday, July 12, 2010

30 Letters In 30 Days-Day 11, A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Mom,

It's been 4 years since the last time we spoke. February 11th to be exact. A lot has happened since then, a whole lot. I don't know where to start really so, I'll begin with saying sorry. I'm apologizing for purposely trying to forget you when you passed away. I removed your pictures, any gifts you've given me, I've tried to forget your voice, locked away memories we once shared in the deepest corners of my mind. Dad has a picture of you hanging up at home near the front door as soon as you walk in...I don't even look at it, I look down or away as I pass by it. Songs that have reminded me of you, like Maxwell's This Woman's Worth as well as Boyz II Men's A Song For Mama, I skip on my playlist. I don't even wear the dogtag chain of me and you as a baby anymore. As time goes on the pain just won't go away no matter how hard I try to erase it from my mind. That's why I've also never made any attempt to come visit your gravesite.

But there's one thing I can't forget, and that's the promise I made to you before you passed away as I held your hand. "I promise that I will make you proud and be the person you always believed I could become. And I'm going to be the best writer the world has ever known and I'm going to win an Oscar to show it." Even though you weren't able to really speak back, I know you heard me. I said that to you because you once said that I was capable of doing it. You were one of the very few people that really and truly believed in me. You saw it at an early age and made sure that I stuck with expressing my imagination and personality through writing and reading. You never once questioned me or doubted me unlike many that have in my life. You never once judged me for the decision I made, you automatically accepted it as if you knew it all along. It's as if you secretly prepared me for this, and all I've done is run from it. I'm writing you to tell you that I'm done running and hiding. I'm going to take this challenge on that you gave me and embrace it, just as you embraced me. And I have.

I've actually been writing a lot more this year. I've started a blog site where I post some of my poems and inner thoughts earlier this year. I'd say it's doing quite well and I've been getting really positive feedback from people about it. I know you'd enjoy it. Me, Josh, Matt and Pbo who you knew as John are all writing together and even have written a couple of short films together. We just haven't had anything filmed yet but we're working on making that happen. I even moved out on my own for a couple of years, but I had to come back home for almost a year. I found a roommate and a new place to live and I'm actually trying to move out next month. I did take a break from school, a pretty long one. I know if you were here you'd kill me for that but I'm going to go back, someday. Just not yet. I don't want to go back if my heart's not in it. Honestly, you passing away has zapped some of my thirst for knowledge since you were always pushing it. I need to find that passion again, don't worry I'll definitely go back and finish. I saved the best news for last, and that's I'm getting published for a poem I wrote in September! It's going to be in an anthology series of poems and short stories with other writers. I know you would have been excited to hear that and once the book comes out I'll come read it to you.

I just wish I could share all these moments with you being here with me. I've at least learned to accept that's the way life is, and I've found some solace in that. But it still doesn't take away from the pain of losing you. That will never go away, I've just learned to cope with it in my own way. I feel guilty about it, and I'm sorry for trying to forget you. Instead of forgetting, I'm going to remember. Some aren't as lucky as I was to have a mother like you and I was able to be with you for almost 21 years, that's more than a lot of people can say who have never even met their mothers. I know you've forgiven me and now I'm going to give my thanks to you by dedicating the first Oscar I get to you on stage at the Academy Awards. I haven't made a promise since that day and I won't until I fulfill this one. I know I can do it because I'm finally realizing my potential. The same potential you saw in me and tried to bring out but I was too afraid to accept it. It's as clear as you may have saw it, maybe clearer. I can't say I've fully grasped it but I'm learning to embrace it. I could go on forever so I'm just going to cut it short here.

Love your son,

Chauncey

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