Thursday, April 8, 2010

If I Was Tiger Woods...

...I would do exactly what he did and come back for The Masters. THEE biggest and most coveted of the four major golf tournaments that is played. Everyone who is in the sport wants to wear that green jacket at the end of the weekend. Its the equivalent of the World Series. The Super Bowl. World Cup. You get the picture. But why haven't you seen this all over all media outlets like we did during the 6 months of coverage of his infidelity to his wife, Erin? Where are Extra, Entertainment Tonight, and TMZ now? Why aren't they covering this? Don't give me that bullshit "its because they don't do sports that's why" cause I don't wanna hear it. We are talking about THE MASTERS. They can put a spin on this and make a juicy story out of it but they won't. Wanna know why? Its because this is a positive story and that's what these bullshit tabloid news outlets thrive on. Even our own local news in Orlando, where Tiger lives, hasn't really said shit about it. Hypothetically let's say Tiger wins, and I hope he does win.

If I was Tiger Woods this is what I would do: Take it day by day. Don't let anyone get inside of your head. By Thursday afternoon I'd be on the leaderboard. Saturday I'm up by 2 or 3 strokes. Come Sunday I'm leading the pack by 7 strokes and I take it easy and just cruise to the 18th hole and par from 8 yards out. I let the crowd roar with applause and cheers and soak it all in. Erin, carrying our child Sam in her arms runs up to me and gives me a kiss. I grab Sam and spin her around hugging her and kissing her forehead. Taking photos with my family. Smiling. Then the ceremony of the green jacket and gold medal takes place. More pictures. Then the post match interview:

Reporter: Tiger, congratulations first of all.

Tiger: Thank you, sir *adjusts jacket*

Reporter: You were off for 5 months dealing with your personal matters and come back for the Masters and win it all! How are you feeling right now?

Tiger: Can I borrow this? *takes mic*

Reporter: Umm...Tiger, can I-

Tiger: I'd just like to say thank you everyone who came out this see me fail. Too bad that I won and now you won't have anything to talk about since the ones talking shit never had anything to say before my adultery.

Reporter: Ok Tiger I'm gon-

Tiger: You're gonna do what?

Reporter: Let you finish.

Tiger: Exactly. As I was saying...If you had something to say about me the past 5 months and I didn't hear you yappin' the past 4 days as I was making this course my bitch I suggest you keep your mouths shut. Cause we both know, if I would have lost you media tabloid and naysayers would have ALOT to say then. After all I've done with numerous charities and the history I've made in this sport not once did I hear any of you "haters" *does hand quotes* then but as SOON as Tiger Woods slips up you're ready to come out. Well I'm back and on top once again like I never left. So do yourselves a favor. *pulls out 9 iron and walks up to camera* take this and shove it up your ass. Good day.

*drops mic*

That's where I point to the clubhouse and my caddy plays John Cena's entrance music over the loudspeakers as the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. I'd be walking by high fiving people, kissing babies as I'm walking towards Erin to take her in my arms and lay a big smooch on her. I'd then take off my Masters green jacket and drape it over her shoulders and take Sam into my arms and walk off the course, in my golf cart and ride off into the sunset. But that's if I was Tiger Woods...

THIS is Tiger Woods:

Reporter: Tiger, what did today mean to you?

Tiger: Today means I'm down by two strokes from the lead.

Reporter: That's it? Nothing more?

Tiger: *stares* That's it, nothing else. I came here to win.

And he will win, in two ways. 1) He'll win The Masters for the fifth time in his career putting him one win from tying Jack Nickalus for most Masters wins of all time at 6. 2) He'll win for himself in taking another step towards exercising his inner demons and moving forward in his life. While all his doubters and "haters" *does hand quotes* are left behind with nothing else to say, and waiting for him to fall from grace again. Too bad that won't happen.

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