Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Blast From The Past

I've been meaning to delete my MySpace page for quite sometime and never got around to doing so until well...just a few minutes ago. I haven't touched it since maybe last May or before that since I'm more frequently on Facebook and Twitter. *cough www.twitter.com/tuckfwitter cough*. Before I deleted the account, I started looking through old comments and messages I've received and had a few laughs. Then I went to my blogs. THIS is where it really all started. Me exploring my inner thoughts and putting them on something more concrete. The 18 going on 19 year old Chauncey Balsom expressing himself, something I don't do so much of lately. I have deleted some of my blogs over the time but I did keep a few. I've grown a lot...a WHOLE lot. And have been through some tough and trying times. But at the same time I'm still the same person, just more aware of myself and my actions. Some live by the saying "the past is the past", but I feel its necessary to visit the past in order to understand your present and prepare yourself for your future. If not, then the past mistakes you made to get you to your current situation will always be repeated and you'll be in a never-ending cycle and not fully develop into the person you can be. Upon reading some of my blogs I decided to keep them in a Word file before I deleted the account. And I'd actually would like to share one of them with you. To give a brief background on this piece its in a form of "free verse" inspired by one of my favorite authors during the Renaissance period, John Milton's Paradise Lost. Its also the backstory of a short story I was doing a few years ago that I was also blogging on MySpace but all of a sudden stopped. I may pick it back up where I left off and finish it. No, I will finish it. But for now...

October 14, 2006 - Saturday

Conflict Within

Too many reasons why I should keep going
But too many reasons why I should just stop
Which one is it
The outcome will be so blissful if 'I' keep giving my all
But what's the point if 'you' cannot relate

Is it just my imagination thats causing me to give in to the temptation
I'm being realistic, 'they' are everywhere there is no use to fight 'them'
But why is it that once 'its' there...'its' gone but 'it' exists somewhere and shall be found
'It' is what you say, imagination, false hope, 'they' rule above 'you' for all time

That 'feeling' was so warm, I recall the 'feeling' like the autumn sun in the middle of october with a breeze around the speed of 10 mph...that feeling
Relaxation, acceptance, rejoicing in its beauty as 'it' is for that moment in time 'it' is yours and no one but yours

At the same time, the 'feeling' can't be mutual 'its' impossible
Cliche: Nothing is impossible
No one 'feeling' such as that can be obtained within by any force, 'its' never been done
Letting your guard down for a second reveals your weakness and 'they' prey

Cliche: Never give up
I should just give up, why am I still going for the 'feeling' that isn't there in the first place
I'm not digging hard enough, too much potential flowing within this body of mine waiting to explode

Don't do it, 'its' not worth it
I can't control it, too much energy waiting to be released in an uncontrolable rage
Can 'they' handle 'it', no one else has been able to
What makes that 'one' any different?

How do I know...
...if I don't try
Stop being afraid
But I have too many reasons to be afraid

'Its' happened before, giving into my potential
I release only a small portion and 'they' run
'They' fear me, 'they' all do
'They' dont understand nor care to try

Is it 'you'...
...I doubt it, 'you' doesn't exist there is only 'them'
'You' is there, I've sensed 'it' before and I will again
I have to tap within...and show 'the one' the potential, the source, the 'feeling' that is above all...that 'they' are above 'them' for all time

Maybe there is 'you'...
...but until then...
There is no 'one'
'You' doesn't exist

Cliche: Actions speak louder than words
If 'you' is there, and has been sensed where are they?
In the same place as I, within, 'they' have to be found
'They' speak of 'you' but 'you' has never been seen by mortals

'You' only shows themselves when 'they' are forgotten and 'one' stands alone above 'them' with 'you'
...'I'm' here, 'they' are there, I have always been here
Show yourself...
...'It's' not time I have to find 'me' as do 'you'

And when 'we' rejoice for all time, the conflict within will cease and 'you' and 'me' will be above 'them' and 'they' will be extingushed like a flame being doused by oceans of water from the heavens that will never cease because 'we' are together for all time constantly intertwining 'you' and 'me'

But until then...
...I know...
'you' doesn't exist...
...so 'they' will reign within 'me' until I am overthrown...not by 'you'

But by 'myself within'...the key to finding 'you' has always been within 'me'

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