Monday, December 28, 2009

The Empty Space

I went somewhere on February 11th of 2006 and I don't think I've fully comeback yet, mentally. Actually I'm certain of it. I don't talk about what happened to me almost four years ago, and I'm not going to here. Mainly because I trained myself to not think about it. I struggle to remember so I couldn't give an accurate story if I tried. As I'm writing this, the memories flash in my head like a slideshow but nothing makes complete sense. But lately its as if the barrier I put up around these memories is trying to escape and fill the empty space from 2-11-06 to...well now. Every once in a while I space out or something small that triggers an event in my past and the gate opens to seep out a memory. Either I smile or I get close to crying. No matter the emotion I stop it. I don't want to remember what happened on that day specifically and what transpired the years after. I have no clear recollation of what transpired on that day. And I'd rather not visit there. Even now, I'm trying to remember to give at least an accurate time frame and I can't.

I don't know if I want to release this Pandora's Box of emotion and events. I don't think I'm emotionally or mentally strong enough to really face the past I try so hard to suppress. But I'm starting to get the feeling its not up to me. That it will surface one day and catch me off guard at the most unexpected moment and there will be nothing I can do about it. There's a huge gap in my life, at least a 2 year gap of events I know I lived. Everyone has their secrets and skeletons hidden. My problem is I did so good of a job hiding them I forgot where I put them and now they are attempting to come out. I need to find out what happened. Deep down I want to know, I want to move on. I want to remember and forgive and just move on from those moments. I can't do it in one day, I'll need to take some time away and to be alone to do this.

That's my resolution. Not a New Year kind of thing, its just something I must do to finally put my mind and heart at ease so I can be the man I want to be. Or to just simply function correctly. I'm always tired, but restless. I constantly have problems remembering things I just did a mere hour ago let alone years. The spacing out happens more often than naught and its starting to put me in bad situations. I almost ran off the road the other night coming from a friend's house so I know its getting worse. It needs to be done, facing my past. And I'll do it in due time. I'll go away for a while without warning, I do at least want to give that much of a heads up. So any close friends who read this, this is my only time really announcing this. It just needs to be done the right way. No grand announcement, just me gone for a while. I know I have vacation time I can use and I will. When, I'm not sure yet. But its coming.

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